Movies That I Cannot Surf Past

Recently, I was sitting at home, surfing channels on my television, when I came upon the third installment of Ralph Macchio’s Karate Kid series. You remember the one, where Mr. Miyagi refused to train Daniel LaRusso for the All-Valley, Under 18 Karate Tournament that he won the year before as the only significant event in his life. The one where Daniel is scheduled to face Mike Barnes, Karate’s Bad Boy, who is skilled enough to kick the crap out of Daniel even with Miyagi’s help, until Daniel beats him using the kata that he learned from Miyagi. The one that every time my wife sees me watching it she says “Oh God, not that movie again”. Anyway, if you haven’t seen the movie, I just spoiled the ending.

The point is, I was flipping channels, I saw that the movie was on, and I was compelled to watch, which lead me to ask myself, “What other movies are there that I am unable to surf past?” So, I compiled my Top 10 list, in no particular order.

1. Obviously, the Karate Kid Movies - Just the ones that feature Ralph Macchio as Daniel LaRusso. I liked the Hilary Swank movie, as well as the Jaden Smith/Jackie Chan remake, but they don’t attract me like the Macchio films do. I guess it’s because Daniel is so much more of a loser than Swank’s and Smith’s characters are, that no matter how many times I see Daniel beat whoever the opponent is, I want to see it again because I still can’t believe that as lame as he was, he kept winning.

2. Blazing Saddles – My wife thinks that this is the most racist film ever made; and the 13 uses of the word ‘nigger’ might bear that out. However, I think that this is one of the funniest films ever, and for the same reason that she hates it. The black guy is the smartest guy in the room, and he uses that to help the white people who hate his guts. Harvey Korman as Hedly Lamarr is priceless in this film, and the racism is played for laughs. Cleavon Little’s Sherriff Bart is the most unassuming hero on film.

3. Enter the Dragon – Bruce Lee’s seminal film is not just about martial arts. Bruce plays a spy who goes undercover at a martial arts tournament in order to break up an opium ring, with the caveat that he will also be able to get revenge against the man who tormented Bruce’s sister to the point of her killing herself. Beyond the martial arts is the exposure of the drug ring, as the tournament is a front for bad guy Mr. Han to recruit soldiers for his cause. For me though, watching Bruce’s fight scenes makes me care very little about the rest of the film. Watching Bruce Lee perform is like watching Baryshnikov dance or Michael Jordan play basketball.

4. My Cousin Vinny – Perhaps the oddest film that has or will ever receive an Academy Award in an acting category (Marisa Tomei – Best Supporting Actress), this one is one of the few that truly defines my taste in entertainment. Before I felt that I could write a little bit (which was at a very young age), I wanted to be a lawyer. Today, while my wife is fascinated with medical dramas, I like the human chess of a lawyer show, and My Cousin Vinny is one of the best. I know that this is another Macchio flick, but this movie is more about the court case and the dynamics between Joe Pesci and Marisa Tomei, and Joe Pesci and Fred Gwynne, the judge.

5. The Marx Brothers – Not all of the Marx Brothers movies, but just a few (Monkey Business, Night at the Opera, Duck Soup, Go West, Horse Feathers). Any of these five movies, if they are on, I will watch no matter what else is on television. The others, I will watch, depending on what else is on. That is not to say that I hate those, but these five, in my opinion, are the best five movies. The others have many of the same features, but there is either something missing (like a cohesive story in the Coconuts) or too much of something (like the music and singing in Day at the Races).

6. 12 Angry Men – Here, I am talking about the 1957, Henry Fonda film, though the 1997 remake with Jack Lemmon and Tony Danza is good too. This is a courtroom movie, but the entire film, except for one minute at the beginning and one minute at the end, takes place in the jury room. One unique note is that none of the characters have names, until the end when two of the men introduce themselves to one another. The film touches on a variety of subjects, including fatherhood, bigotry, personal relevance or the need to belong or matter, justice and the law, and this movie is much deeper than 12 men deciding the fate of a convicted murderer, which is why it is on this list.

7. Anatomy of a Murder – This film, from 1959, stars James Stewart as a defense attorney who is charged with defending a soldier who is accused of murdering the man who is accused of raping his wife. There is a scene in this movie where the judge has to forewarn the jury about laughing and snickering over the use of the word ‘panties’ during the testimony of the soldier’s wife. This scene makes me see how far entertainment and Hollywood have come and how different times are today. And of course, this is another lawyer movie.

8. The Addams Family – I always felt that Gomez Addams, as played by John Astin in the Addams Family television show, was the coolest guy on television. Raul Julia, who played Gomez in the film, took that cool to a whole other level. Everything that I remembered about the television show was in place, but ramped up just a bit, and Christopher Lloyd as Fester, was perfect casting. When Gomez does the series of backflips while dueling with his lawyer Tully, lands in his chair, catches his sword in one hand and his pen in the other, I knew that his would be a classic film, and I was not wrong.

9. A Knight’s Tale – I don’t really know why I like this movie so much, I just do. For a long time, I had never seen the first 45 minutes of the film and had no idea why Sir William was jousting, except that he was trying to step out beyond his father’s vision for him. Once I saw the entire film in one sitting, I was hooked. Sir William is a prick, but his aides are loyal to him, even though they know that he is wagering their futures on what is seemingly a longshot. Chaucer’s introductions  of William at the tournaments are the types of speeches that drama students should memorize as monologues for audition pieces, and the addition of modern music into a period piece makes the film that much more enjoyable. After all, who doesn’t want to watch a medieval era film featuring two men jousting in a tournament while Queen’s “We Will Rock You” is playing in the background and the spectators are clapping in time with the beat of the song?

10. Major League 1 & 2 – While I liked Major League 3, it did not do it for me as much as the other two, partially because much of the cast had been changed. Substituting Wesley Snipes from #1 for Omar Epps in #2 only had a minor effect on the film, but didn’t change the overall dynamic of the stories. Just like other films of that era, it was written in the Rocky style; down on your luck, given an opportunity, the obstacles seem insurmountable, winning in the end against all odds. In the late 1980s, that’s what movies were, and these two did it well.

Well, that is my list, and I welcome your comments and would love to know which films you can’t surf past. Oh, by the way, here are the films that just missed making this list:

1. Happy Gilmore – Adam Sandler’s best film in my opinion
2. Held Up – Jamie Foxx trapped in a small town convenience store while it is being robbed
3. Oscar – Sly Stallone as a mob boss trying to go straight in honor of his dying father’s last wish
4. Tap – I have always had an affection for tap dancing
5. Crossroads – Another Macchio film, but the guitar work of Steve Vai makes this film for me
6. Drumline – I was in the marching band in high school and the wife thinks that I am reliving those days
7. The Original Kings of Comedy – Bernie Mac’s set was the funniest stand-up that I had ever seen to that point, and there haven’t been many better since

Fame Misunderstood

Today’s popular culture has borrowed much from the famous and infamous notables from years gone by, but it seems that many of today’s “famous people” seemed to have misunderstood what they were seeing and believe that they are copying. Many of today’s pop culture icons seem to have no real grasp on what it took for those who came before to actually achieve their fame and notoriety, and as such, are famous for all of the wrong reasons.

During her career, Marilyn Monroe was an accomplished actress and singer who took classes at the Actor’s Studio and studied with Lee Strasberg in order to perfect her craft.  In many of her films, she played a dumb blonde, and it became her trademark. Many of today’s pop culture celebs have heard of Marilyn Monroe, but have no idea about her career and how hard she worked to get to where she was. All they seem to know about her is that she seemed to be a dumb blonde, she was married to a famous baller (Joe DiMaggio), was romantically linked to the rich and powerful (her alleged affairs with John F. and Bobby Kennedy), and was photographed with her skirt blowing up, even though the skirt shot was a scene from a movie, and Marilyn took precautions to make sure that her privates were not shown to the public.

In attempting to become famous, young girls feel as if all that is necessary is to get involved with someone rich and powerful (or a famous baller), or be photographed half-clothed (or the extreme, be filmed having sex), meaning that they fully misunderstood what it was that made Marilyn famous. All of the things that she is known for were byproducts of her talent and hard work, and her beauty was simply an asset, and was not the product itself. Many of today’s “pop culture icons” are actually quite talented, but choose to be known for the extra instead of letting the talent rule the day.

Years ago, there was a young comic named Richard Pryor, who thought that he needed to be the next Bill Cosby (a wholesome storyteller) in order to succeed in comedy. When that style didn't work for Richard, he elected to allow people to laugh at the pain that he experienced as a youth. Pryor used profanity to illustrate what he saw and heard, but the next generation of comics heard Richard curse, and thought that cursing was the key to the success of his act. They misunderstood what Richard was truly all about.

Though Pryor would curse during his act when speaking as himself, much of the cursing was him quoting one of the many characters who he had come to know during his life. However, over the next few generations, comics felt that cursing was the act. As Eddie Murphy said in his comedy film “Delirious”, “You can’t do not cuss show. I do manage to stick in some jokes between the cusses”. The misunderstanding comes from the notion that the more cursing that is done in an act, the more “hip” a comic is, and the more likely Hollywood will take notice. Unfortunately, the reality is that there has to be some talent mixed in with the ability to use profanity and make fun of other races.

The point of all of this is that there will never be a substitute for talent. Pop Culture and Social Media have made it possible for people to become famous just for being photographed half-naked, for getting arrested while having a song on the charts or a movie on DVD, or because they are the offspring of someone who has already done all of the necessary work to be famous. While I fault no one for achieving a level of success and fame, the fear that I have is that this level of fame has the potential to have a short shelf life, and when that runs out, it will be necessary to attempt to rely on something that might not exist. 

Reality Television – The Relationship Killer

What do Russell Simmons, Danny Bonaduce, Bobby Brown, Nick Lachey and Dave Navarro of Jane’s Addiction all have in common? Well, they are all rich, but that’s not it. Is it that they are all rich and were married to hot women? Well, that’s true too, but that’s not what I was looking for. If we answer in the form of a question the answer would be; who are men whose marriages ended after appearing in reality television shows with their families? Now, you can add to that list, the incredible, immortal, 14-time former World Heavyweight Wrestling Champion Terry Bollea, known affectionately by his legions of fans as Hulk Hogan. Hulk’s wife Linda has recently filed for divorce after 24 years of marriage and two children, so now, Hulk is just another victim of the reality show relationship jinx.

By now, everyone knows the circumstances between Terry and Linda. Everyone knows that their son Nick was arrested for drag racing and it has driven a wedge between the Hogans, but there is more to their divorce than Nick’s legal troubles or his irresponsibility. Anyone who watched the show Hogan Knows Best for any amount of time knew that Terry and Linda spent more time disagreeing than they did being romantic with one another. Many of the episodes were about the two of them trying to settle a disagreement about something relating to their children or trying to spice up their relationship and add a little romance to their lives.

Reality television is basically designed to be an inside look into the lives of people as they go about their regular routines. However, the question has always existed; if you are wearing a microphone and you know that the cameras are there, how can it really be reality television? Just because the show is “unscripted”, there is probably as much performance on reality television as there is on any other show. Most of the time, the featured players are told what to do and then they do it with the results being whatever they are. Kind of like a professional wrestling match. The beginning and the ending is scripted and the wrestlers perform the middle. The Hogans spent a lot of time disagreeing and the situations that they were placed in didn’t help matters much, but after all, controversy creates ratings, right?

All of the reports are focusing on Linda and her pursuit of Hulk’s money, but after all, unfortunately, she is entitled to it. Prenuptial agreements expire after ten years and most states are community property states, which mean that she is entitled to half of the marital assets, even if she never wrestled a match in her life. After all, Johnny Carson’s wife walked away with over $150 million after their divorce. The fight might be about his money and her desire to possess it, but the war started long before this and it was made public on their show. They could not conceal their problems, which is why the most recent season focused on their marital problems and their seeking counseling to rectify their problems. Once the relationship goes there and it is also no longer private, there is usually no turning back, and in this case, there wasn’t.

It was believed that the men that I mentioned had relationships that were solid. Gretchen was standing behind Danny despite his demons. Whitney believed in Bobby when no one else did. Nick and Jessica were America’s new hot couple so much so that their wedding was held on television. It is hard to believe that Ozzy & Sharon Osbourne are the most stable couple from the pile of reality television families. I guess when you try not to be yourself, it backfires. Ozzy was on television what he really is and his family had accepted it long ago so accepting it on television was no stretch.

The Bollea/Hogan marriage appears to over with no turning back. Terry will go on being Hulk Hogan and is slated to be the host of the new version of American Gladiators when it debuts in 2008. Linda will become…well, another celebrity’s wife who went from anonymous to famous and must now try to find ways to extend her celebrity. Do not be surprised if Linda loses a bunch of weight and we find out that she will be appearing in Playboy soon. Also, look for the Linda Hogan clothing line coming to stores near you very soon. I am kidding of course, but we have seen it all before from women who were their husband’s wives and suddenly became celebrities. After all, even Michelle Triola moved in with Dick Van Dyke and tried to become an actress.

Now, all we can do is sit back and see who the next victim (or victims) of the reality show relationship jinx will be. If you are fans of these people, then say a little prayer for Eddie George (I Married a Baller on TV One) or Joseph “Run” Simmons (Run’s House on MTV). These men could be next.